Hello friends, It is I, the Handsome Right-hander, Back to make a ple to all you NBA teams with Trillions to spend. Please consider spending Millions on Raja Bell. Now, I will ask you to forget about the fact that he is a sub-par player, 145th best forward in the league, and slow-fotted on defense. OVERLOOK that stuff, because Raja Bell need to feed his family. I only ask that you becareful with Raja bell and his tender heart of glass, because it breaks easy. I have a crazy, but intriguing theory, that Raja Bell will bring about the apocalypse. It goes something like this:
1) Amare Stoudamire leaves Phoenix, and signs a 5 yr, 100 Million dollar contract with the New York Assholes Knicks.
2) Chris Bosh gets signed to a 6 year, 126 Million dollar deal with the Toronto Raptors, then gets traded to Cleveland to be teamed up with LeBron James. Clevelend sends an assortment of players, non-perishable foodstuffs, and a couple of used Cleaveland Cavalier sweatpants circa 1979. Somehow, Mark Price, who retired in 1994 will be included in the deal, even though he is currently a Real Estate Agent.
3) Dewayne Wade will see that no one is coming to help him win a title in Miami, so he will take the Bulls Max contact offer.
4) Miami, losing its only star, will go after the 4th, 5th 6th best players available, but since they know they suck, they will try to sign with the Bulls, Cleaveland, or Assholes.
5) New Jersey, will panic and sign Shaquille ONeal to a deal, then, immediately regret it
6) Miami, will field a team of miscreants, naer-do-wells, and leftovers from the streetball tv show "AND 1."
7) All teams will think they have a good team to compete with, and only be missing a veteran role player.
8) All teams will simultaneously see that Raja Bell is both unemployed, and available, and bid on his services.
9) The price for a Raja bell will skyrocket to astronomical sums.
10) The league will meet next year for a new collective barganing agreement and say "How the hell can you cry about being broke when some jackass like Raja Bell is making 500 Million Dollars?" The Basketball player's union will look all sad and shit, but have no answer for the Bell Contract.
11) The NBA will fold, and thousands of high school kids will have no dreams or aspirations.
12) Crime will rise, international strife will rise, and Obama will have nothing to play in order to relax.
13) War will come, and when Obama cannot speechify it away, he will push the button, and the world will end.
In summary, as you sit there in the unemployment line, soup kitchen line, or tied to your cubicle worrying about how you will paythe mortgage, please PLEASE consider Raja Bell, and the fact that he will only make 600 Million dollars. I am working feverishly to set up a website where we can collect money for RAJA BELL. http://www.rajabellcansmokemypole.com/. Thanks for reading and for caring about Raja Bell.
The Handsome Right-Hander
Sports Guy
Humanitarian
Hater of the New Yrok Assholes
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