Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Jokey Jokemaker on.....The World

I am staunchly middle class. I am a poor simple caveman to be exact. All I know is that I love my God, family, country, and the mirror dance. Even I am smart enough to see that Egypt is on the verge of civil war. The issue comes from the middle class having their rights and freedoms trampled on. The rich will remain rich, if they are smart. They care little for the troubles of others. They assuage their guilt with charity work or fundraiser events, but then drive home to their cushy lairs and smoke their cigars and swish around their snifters of brandy.

The poor are too busy about putting food on the table and keeping the heat on. They do not give a shit about freedoms or rights, because for most of their lives, they have been had their rights trampled on. Those that have not have simply traded away their rights for nickels and dimes. They do not know anything else. Those that work their way to middle class, usually stay close enough, or have strong enough memories and fears of going jump to the rich class back down that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Those that jump to the rich class usually don’t know how to act, and quickly return.

The issue becomes the middle class. Specifically the middle class that starts out as middle class. They have dreams of the rich, and fear of the poor. When a government taxes them to pay for the mistakes of the rich, or to pay for the poor, they are forced down the class scale. When a government tramples on the freedoms of the poor, they are too busy SURVIVING to care. The rich can afford lawyers to find loopholes, but the middle-class suffers. If they suffer enough, they revolt. In any revolt, all it takes is 10% of the people revolting to topple any system. The country may thing that they can stop any rebellion, but in all seriousness they cannot. To think that all of Chicago’s 4 million citizens are kept docile by fear and a desire to respect authority is amazing. Chicago has about 7-9 thousand cops. That’s a bad ratio. The mounting taxes and economic woes will not be tolerated much longer. Poor presidential leadership, political failures on a base level, and poor assumptions made by the government will soon come to a critical point. If politicians like Mark Kirk and Alexei Ginoulias who ran for the US Senate seat out of Illinois are the best we can do, why even bother to vote? I am going to be more aggressive than usual. I will be holding my politicians who make promises accountable for delivering them. Now is the perfect time to do so. They think that a few programs or tax relief promises are enough to keep the public calm. They think they are doing us a favor by “Only” raising taxes 1 or 2 points, instead of gouging us with 5 or 6 like they would like to. Keep thinking I will take all of this calmly government. I want to think I am harmless.

Friday, September 3, 2010

J-Lo STILL may be on American Idol!

American Idol may STILL hire J-lo to be a judge, which is good.  When I think of big-asses classy women with moediocre skills, willing to whore themselves out for TV, I think of 2 things, J-lo, and American Idol. 
After I ravaged her body, i took a picture and ask J-Lo what she thought about all the bad press she has gotten.  She replied "Hoomm goommmgoohummm ghumm ghumm  hugmummg."
Can't talk, eating

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

War? Huh, good God.....what is it good for?

Hello evildoers,

I, Jokey Jokemaker, just got back from the middle east.  I just got off the plane at O'Hare, (Shout outs to my peeps in first class, stay up fools, the time of the rich white man is coming soon).   I just watched the Obama speech from yesterday, and I could not believe how bad it was.  Was this a surprise speech?  Like, the Sox Vs, Indians game rain out, and they threw it to Obama and say: "You got 25 minutes?"  The premise of the speech was flawed from the get go.  First off, Obama has failed at all the initiatives he campaigned on.  I can understand how desperate he was to try to put the removal of troops in the win column.  Let's be clear, this is not win or victory, in fact that's why he did not use those specific words.  Saying this is a win is like yelling at the repo man towing your new car away that its o.k. the new car smell was gone anyways.

So, I have just called my Jewish friends and said "hey Jews, don't worry, we did this war thing, and now we can focus all our attention on getting you a few scraps land back.  I always ask my Jewish friends 2 things:
First, why did you kill my Lord and Savior?  Then I ask if their culture is known for being smart and wealthy, why didn't they buy a country like Puerto Rico or the Falklands, and go live there?  Why live in the middle east?  Your neighbors will all be assholes. But not to worry, there will be American troops in the middle east until late next year, and thanks to all the 24hr news feeds, the bad guys know that a shitload of the left.  I feel sorry for the Jews and American troops left behind and listening to this stupid presidential address.  They must be proud as shit.

I like Old Style beer, because its krasuened (pronounced "croy-zend)  which means "To improve the taste of shitty beer to less-shitty beer. If I were to krasuened this presidential address, I would have had the cast of glee come out and save Obama from his stumbling, disjointed speech.  If I were to krsusened the address, I would have had Outkast come out and Sing Bombs over Bagdhad, then smoothly transition into "Hey Yah,"  with Obama picking up a base guitar and playing the role of Johnny Vulture.  if I were to krausened the address, I would have had Obama come in to the intro that James Brown had in Rocky four, just before apollo creed gets killed in the ring by Arnold Scwartzenegger.  if I were to krausened the address, I would have announced that we have perfected invisibility technology, and would be sending ninjas to the middle east with this technology to kill bad guys.  This would have been something to watch.  The Obama address basically was as shitty as the Lebron Decision special on Sportcenter.  Hyped up?  Yep, Boring?  Yep.  Short in substance?  FO SHO!  I mean Obama is a great speaker, and he fucked that up.  Lebron is mildly funny, and he fucked that up too.  whats next?  CBS comedy shows winning Emmy's? 

Jokey Jokemaker
Emmy - Winner for Best Comedy Blog

If you are good, you can read this to the tune of the Geto Boys song "My Minds Playing Tricks on Me"

If you are good, you can actually play the song, or hum the melody in your head and read along.  Once again, this is an excerpt from my dissertation of the profound cultural impact of the Geto Boys in popular music for my Ebonics PhD. 

Raphael De La Ghetto
I am an Expert in Art
Ebonics PhD Candidate

Intro: Scarface

Little owlet in the glen, I am ashamed of you.  it should be to whom to whom, not to who to who.
Oh, is the microphone on?
Please allow me to verbally communicate with a high degree of polish and expertise.

Verse One: Scarface

I am having trouble sleeping at night, I see lit candles and burning corpses everywhere.  Did I light a candle that cause people to burn up and die?  Do the candles symbolize my sins against my fellow man?

The walls seem to be looking deep into my soul, this scares me, and I keep a loaded firearm under my pillow.  The idea is crazy, because if I shoot my walls, the bullets would just go right through.  How do you stop a wall from killing you? 

My mother has told me countless times that I could be making more of my life, and she does not see the true nature of my struggle to maintain this lifestyle.  I work hard, if not, harder than most people, and am currently exploring legitimate business opportunities. 

When this crazy world gets to be too much, i stop and take a moment for myself.   Unfortunately, the stress usually results in a nosebleed and fits of heavy sweating.  Maybe I have a brain tumor, oh great, ANOTHER thing to worry about!

I always feel like some body's watching me, and I have no privacy.  I am on constant surveillance. 

I seem to be most vulnerable when I am sleepy, as the nightmares seem to begin before I am fully asleep. 
I do o.k by daytime hours. 

He owns a black hat . black suit and a cane like my own.  Could this be a psychological manifestation of the idea that I am my own worst enemy?  Or does this stylish villain simply shop at the same stores I do?

Some people tell me to relax.  To which I reply: "Go make love to yourself, there is someone trying to prematurely end my life!" 

The slightest noise causes me to load my firearm, I become hyper-alert maintain heightened surveillance on my home.  Some examples of things I look for are: 

Investigating the home for obstacles or signs of forced entry
Checking with my local phone company to see if there has been any foul play concerning my telephone lines.  other things to check for are cheaper long-distance rates.  

I'm staring at the woman on the corner and wonder "Is she a part of the nationwide conspiracy to bring the black man down, and keep him down?  Or is she a hooker?  Can a hooker be a part of the nationwide conspiracy to bring the black man down, and keep him down?  She is hot.  I hope she is a hooker. 
Its the darnedest thing when you cannot seem to concentrate

Verse Two: Willie D

I do very well for myself, as evidenced by my large income and vehicle.  I am very popular.  I am so known for my money and vehicles, that I would be the perfect target for criminals or the IRS. 

Most evenings do not feel very relaxing.  When i am out on a cruise, i feel that the same car is behind me.  My mind begins to wonder if the driver of the car is:

The Honor student from the nearby high school I chased from off of my front stoop?

The honor student from the local high school that I shot with my unlicensed firearm?

The honor student that was a dissatisfied customer to the tune of five thousand dollars that left thinking he and a sizeable ziploc bag of cocaine, filled in reality with Gold Medal Flour?

I reached under my seat to get my firearm with which to defend myself.  I cannot lie, I am as scared as I would have been if someone had had carnal relations with my dear mother

I quickly turned left into my local Popeyes Chicken establishment, and prepared to flank my pursuer. 
If there is a need for conversation or violence I am equally prepared and would be the initiator in both instances.

Here they come, just like I figured.  Now we can start a healthy dialogue that will enable both parties to come to a place of understanding and kindness that will result in a jointly successful outcome for all parties involved.  Just to be extra sure, I will keep my firearm ready with the safety taken off. 

When I think back to that evening, i gently sigh and snicker a bit, because my "Pursuers" were 3 elderly people from my neighborhood church.  Mrs Thompson, Pearl Williams, and Old Mr, Schumpert.  I bet Old Man Shumpert is having sex with both of these women.  Go on Old Man Shumpert, go on!

I live by my own rules and expect others to do the same, so if Old Man Shumpert wants to bone old broads that's on him.  I like to pronounce SWORD phonetically.  Swore-D.

I do not like being alone, because I am fearful of the pain and damage I have caused others, so the people that tend to hang around with me are violent people that have had great misfortunes in their lives.  I hate the person I am when I am with them, but if I act differently, I risk them turning in me too.  It is an endless cycle of pain and misery that i try to escape by inflicting pain on others.  I am always looking for the pain to come around back to me. 

Its the darnedest thing when you cant concentrate. 

Verse Three: Scarface

Day by day it's more impossible to cope with the stress and feelings of diminished self worth.  Its as if I just cooked up a fat dose of heroin, gotten super fine cotton balls to filter the heroin through, and abused it. 
its gotten so bad i have developed a case of the shakes.

I try to go to church regularly now, in a hope that my faith will see me through all the bad that I have done.  I am actively looking for any kind of redemption. I feel that I have been blessed, but deep down I have unresolved feelings of shame and guilt.  I just want to be happy.

Lately, i have been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off if I killed myself.  I am most susceptible to these thoughts when I drive.  I am usually alone, and then the solitude and pain team up to form a cloak of darkness that envelops me when I am most vulnerable. 

Suicide is painless for me, but then I realize that the loved ones I leave behind will only bear the brunt of my

I have a son to mold into a healthy man, and if I die, he will be impacted by the loss.  Fatherless male kids are a big portion of my community, and I do not want to add my child to that population segment. 

I had a woman who was very nurturing of my lifestyle choices, but I considered her just another bitch.  She then went back to her mother's house, and I feel that i need to grow as a man and give her the love and respect she deserves. 
I am lonely

My Mind is playing tricks with my heart

Verse Four: Bushwick Bill

I got all fucked up on heroin.  I imagined it was Halloween, and I was beating up some tall dude.  Turns out I had some bad heroin, and was punching the sidewalk for about 2 hours. 

My mind is playin tricks on me

An excerpt fro my dissertation on the works of Mr Scarface, William D, and Bushwick William

Dear friends, it is I, Raphael De La Ghetto, and I have retuerned with a exceprt from my dissertation for my Ebonics PhD.  I chose to focus on the iconic rap group The Geto Boys for this project, and have found a veritable treasure trove of rich, thought-provoking lyrics.  Here below is the original lyrics, transcribed.  Look for my next blog to have the translated version, complete with opinions.  Enjoy!

Intro: Scarface

I sit alone in my four-cornered room staring at candles
Oh that shit is on? Heh
Let me drop some shit like this here, real smooth

Verse One: Scarface
At night I can't sleep, I toss and turn
Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies bein burned
Four walls just starin at a nigga
I'm paranoid, sleepin with my finger on the trigger
My mother's always stressin I ain't livin right
But I ain't going out without a fight
See, everytime my eyes close
I start sweatin, and blood starts comin out my nose
It's somebody watchin the Ak'
But I don't know who it is, so I'm watchin my back
I can see him when I'm deep in the covers
When I awake I don't see the motherfucker
He owns a black hat like I own
A black suit and a cane like my own
Some might say, "Take a chill, B"
But fuck that shit! There's a nigga trying to kill me
I'm poppin in the clip when the wind blows
Every twenty seconds got me peepin out my window
Investigatin the joint for traps
Checkin my telephone for taps
I'm starin at the woman on the corner
It's fucked up when your mind is playin tricks on ya

Verse Two: Willie D

I make big money, I drive big cars
Everybody know me, it's like I'm a movie star
But late at night, somethin ain't right
I feel I'm being tailed by the same sucker's head lights
Is it that fool that I ran off the block?
Or is it that nigga last week that I shot?
Or is it the one I beat for five thousand dollars
Thought he had 'caine but it was Gold Medal Flour
Reach under my seat, grabbed my popper for the suckers
Ain't no use to me lyin, I was scareder than a motherfucker
Hooked a left into Popeye's and bailed out quick
If it's goin down let's get this shit over with
Here they come, just like I figured
I got my hand on the motherfuckin trigger
What I saw'll make your ass start gigglin
Three black, crippled and crazy senior citizens
I live by the sword
I take my boys everywhere I go, because I'm paranoid
I keep lookin over my shoulder and peepin around corners
My mind is playin tricks on me

Verse Three: Scarface

Day by day it's more impossible to cope
I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope
Can't keep a steady hand because I'm nervous
Every Sunday mornin I'm in service
Prayin for forgiveness
And tryin to find an exit out the business
I know the Lord is lookin at me
But yet and still it's hard for me to feel happy
I often drift while I drive
Havin fatal thoughts of suicide
BANG and get it over with
And then I'm worry-free, but that's bullshit
I got a little boy to look after
And if I died then my child would be a bastard
I had a woman down with me
But to me it seemed like she was down to get me
She helped me out in this shit
But to me she was just another bitch
Now she's back with her mother
Now I'm realizing that I love her
Now I'm feelin lonely
My mind is playin tricks on me

Verse Four: Bushwick Bill

This year Halloween fell on a weekend
Me and Geto Boys are trick-or-treatin
Robbin little kids for bags
Till an old man got behind our ass
So we speeded up the pace
Took a look back, and he was right before our face
He'd be in for a squabble no doubt
So I swung and hit the nigga in his mouth
He was goin down, we figured
But this was no ordinary nigga
He stood about six or seven feet
Now, that's the nigga I'd be seein in my sleep
So we triple-teamed on him
Droppin them motherfuckin B's on him
The more I swung the more blood flew
Then he disappeared and my boys disappeared, too
Then I felt just like a fiend
It wasn't even close to Halloween
It was dark as fuck on the streets
My hands were all bloody, from punchin on the concrete
God damn, homie
My mind is playin tricks on me

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Obama should kill Blagojevich

I believe that Barack Obama should kill Rod Blagojevich before this gets out of control.  Tapes have started to leak showing Blagojevich in talks with the Obama camp and the Jesse Jackson Jr. camp to sell the "Fucking valuable thing" that was the senate seat.  Jesse jackson Jr, tried to be smart and have some Indian guy (Raghuveer Nayak) do his lobbying, only the Indian guy was not about to take a fall for Jr.  Indians should stay put for a while, as their turn is swiftly coming up.  In fact, if Indians rallied together around this BP oil spill, they could push the blacks out of Louisiana.  When caught up, Jr. said he was a secret FBI agent who knew Blago was crooked.  The Jackson has a history of race-baiting, publicity-hunting, and general skullduggery to get what they want.  This is our chance to get rid of them.   

     Blagojevich was in deep discussions with the Obama camp to have Valerie Jarret get the Senate appointment.  The price was a presidential advisory position.  Obama did not want to pay the "fee,"  so he appointed Jarret to the position, leaving Blago with a senate seat to sell.  Obama should take a good look at what is happening in France.  French President Nikolas Sarkozy is being accused of being linked to a scheme to pay off high ranking politicians with money and jobs in order to grease his ascent to the presidency.  Liliane Bettencourt, 87, heiress to the L'Oreal cosmetics fortune paid off powerfull people with cash, while Sarkozy's camp offered patronage jobs.  The allegations came out because of tapes a disgruntled butler provided to Bettancourt's daughter for an unrelated trial.  The butler was pissed at missing the cash boat, and produced over 21 hours of evidence showing that regular envelopes of cash were given almost as "allowances."  I expect either the butler, or bettancourt to be dead within the month,and the cause of death to be "natural causes."

     Obama should kill blagojevich and jackson jr because as they go to court, they will snitch like jailhouse bitches about just how crooked things were under Obama.  No one will pull a Rostenkowski and bend over backwards to do time for Obama.  Obama has a weak, tarnished reputation, and a scandal like this will be exponentially bigger than the Kenendy/mob union  scandal.  Obama can have them killed because Blagojevich is costing taxpayers about 5 Mil in court fees which WE pay.  Obama can also look at Jackson Jr.s shitty family history and blame crazy muslims angry that the jackson family owns Budwieser distributorships.  This is almost like a bad BET movie where the fat lead actor (Rapper/model/athlete) goes on a killing spree to eliminate moles in his drug empire.  In fact. I bet Beanie Segal ain't doing shit, lets get him to play Obama, lets get michael rapparport to play blagojevich, and lets get sean puffy combs to play jesse jackson jr.  All we need is a shitty rap soundtrack and we are good to go.   

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I think I am.....No. I am sure I am hungry

Baby, I am hungry. When I say I am hungry, I mean to say that I am hungry for you. Its funny though, because my hunger for you is like regular hunger. I mean a hunger one would have when no food has entered their stomach for some time. Regardless, I hunger. Sweet thing, since you've been gone, The Punisher just hasn't been the same. I am not ashamed to admit to you, I miss your loving. Since you left, I have been unable to drive the memories of you from my mind. Day and night, I dream of you. I dream of all the wonderful moments we shared together. I dream that one day, I will enjoy the privilege and pleasure of rat tat tatting that fat ass once again. There will be tenderness also.

Sexy lady, I want to invite you back to my place and create a special night for you. I want you to lay back on my couch made of the finest Corintian leatherand make everything all right again. I want to make you a gourmet meal and serve it to you on only the finest china, or Chinet, which is stiff cardboard. We will enjoy wine and candlelight, and I will make roast duck or pheasant, or a meal of equal or greater fineness. Only the finest meal is to be presented before my baby. There will be gravy and pickled jalapeno peppers also.

I will hand-spoon the meal into your sweet mouth. Every bite. And I won't rush you. I will not present you with another bite until after you are completely done with the one you are on at that time. I would never rush you baby. I would also take bites of the meal, because the naked pleasure on your face as you enjoy the meal would increase my own hunger. Hunger for you, hunger for us, and hunger because I have not eaten in a while. We would both eat.

I believe that after I prepare this superb meal for you, you would want to make me your dessert. You would forgive me for all the wrong I've done you. I know deep down you will. You will because I am truly sorry for all those things I did to you. And I am deeply sorry for all the things I said to you. You know I didn't mean any of it. The Chooch Punisher punishes many chooches with his cock, but he loves only you with all of his heart and for all of eternity. Them ladies were just whores for all he cares. Beautiful, big-breasted , fat-assed whores.

The only time the Chooch Punisher is ever happy is when he is eating a meduim rare porterhouse or wagyu steak, or thinking of you. Don't you see, baby? I can't live without you or eating.

When I am thinking about you, I am thinking about sprinkling the floor of your home with rose petals. Then I want to put on your favorite Jodeci tape on the single small stereo that plays tapes, and dance with you real slow. Then I want to slowly pull your clothes off your smooth, sexy body and move you onto the floor. Then, I want to get on top of you and not stop untill the cops have to taser me to get me off your delicious whipped cream and anjou pear covered body. I like pears.

And you know, girl, when the Chooch Punisher says he will love you all night long, he means all night long. There might be a few breaks for eating, or for stretching out cramped hamstring muscles that have become twisted and painful from prolonged rythmic chooch punishing. From the early evening of night to the break of dawn. I will not sleep until you are satisfied. I will attend to your every desire. I will massage you with edible oils, tantilize your perfect nipples with strawberries, watermelons, or pineapples, and procede to kiss away any remaining chocolate sauce from your body. I will not be concerned that we have fucked up my satin sheets. I will not be concerned with my own happiness whatsoever. Only your happiness, and my hunger will be thought of. After I have eaten a burrito or whatever and have finished jamming my cock in your mouth, I will rub scented jasmine lotion all over your naked body. I will wrap you in the fucked up satin sheets and hold you. I will slap your ass tenderly, Partly because you ruined my sheets, and partly because you ate the last slice of pizza.

Baby, I just want to be your love chef. I will make it my sole mission in life to be your servant. And I will not stop pleasing you until the day I die. I will also force you to submit to dress up sessions and role-playing that you are a waitress and I am a mean hungry customer. I will say things like "Get me my steak Bitch!" in a loving and playful way. Man, I would love a torta sandwhich from atotonilco's right about now.

The Chooch Punisher

love chef