My problem is this: why, then, would I receive a letter asking me to attend your upcoming wedding to this man? This man who is no good for you. This man can only get into one eleventh of the hottest clubs I can. This man, according to you,focuses only on heart-healthy dishes, and working out. I seduced your body and mind by mircowaving the most sumptuous dishes made of the finest meats and cheeses in the land as you sucked my cock. How you finna go back to steamed chicken and boiled rice?
I have decided to write my response to you in this post, as there was not room on the reply card to say all that was in my heart, the heart that has been breaking ever since you left. Plus I wanted to draw you naked pictures.
When I first opened the letter, I fell to my knees and screamed your name as loud as I could. Then, I began to break into gentle sobs while uttering your name in a softer and softer voice. Soon, I was on the floor, unable to move because of the great pain of knowing you were marrying this other man. It was a pain that was too much for even the CHOOCH PUNISHER to bear. I wept bitterly.
I pictured a different note you had written me a note telling me you could not stand another minute without me. In my mind, I saw the writing, clear as day:
"Dear Chooch Punisher,
Come to my apartment and take me now.
Doggy Style like last time, where I didn't shit right for a week.
Signed,
Monica."
Reading that, or any variation on it, would have caused me to jump into my blacked out freshly-waxed black Nissan Sentra, and drive right to your house where I would have made sweet love to you until the break of dawn. Afterward, we would have laughed over how silly it was when we were not together. We would have had many tender moments like that between the ass-to-mouth sexing, which would have occurred all night long. Also, I would have brought desserts from the finest mail-order catalogs. We could have eaten them after we brushed the cum out of your hair.
I was shocked that instead I received an invitation to a wedding with you and this man who buys you shoes that do not make your butt stick out in an eye-catching appealing manner. Do you not remember when The Chooch Punisher would buy you shoes, socks, and occasionally belts, all meant to accentuate your many curves, especially the fat ass booty part of the curves?
Damn, girl, I would give anything to have you here right now riding my bologna pony. Let me give it to you. Just one last time. You know I would break you off nasty. Girl, I have been in a constant state of grief and despair. I have done little but sit in my rich corinthian leather chair in front of the fake amish fireplace and stare off into space. My pain is like that of Robin Hood watching The Sherriff of Nottingham marry Maid Marian right in front of him. There are many star-crossed lovers who have been in similar situations, but my pain is worse because it is real, and I really dug your huge tits.
I have even broken the Jodeci disc that I played the first night you and I consummated this universe-smashing love. You can see how upset I was. At this point, I should let you know that before I go to sleep in my luxurious triangle bed every night, I cry out, "Why did you leave me, baby?!" If I were to attend your wedding, I can't say that I would not masturbate during the reading of the vows.
All I ask is that you give me one more chance to make you love me again and remind you what kind of a man The Chooch Punisher is. I will wear my finest taupe silk suit and craft with the greatest care a light dinner, or, if you prefer, tasty snacks. We would drink imported coffee from my finest mugs and laugh about the old days. At times, I would get serious and explain why I am the only man for you. If the moment seemed right, I would kiss you and take off your shirt so I could see your perfect nipples.
I could also light our desserts on fire. You would be impressed by the elegant presentation. Your nipples would be exposed and hard.
You are my butter pecan rican princess, and I don't think I can live in a world without your loving arms. Let me feel them around me again. Let me get close so I can chilli-dog you how I know you like.
I have composed a song about our love. Please keep in mind that, since I can't find a didgeridoo around, I would have to sing it to you unaccompanied, but the feelings will be true. You will not be able to keep from crying, knowing that the pain inside me is real. It will share many lyrics with "FreekN You " by Jodeci. Please let me know your decision on this as soon as you can. The same goes for when you decide to call off your wedding.
Until then, know this: I love you, girl. Bring the big teats on home to daddy.
The Chooch Punisher
Punisher of Chooches
Pleasedisregard the Hoodrat post, as I wrote that out of frustration and crippling loneliness.
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